Love…

We are all confounded by its power.. We are all consumed by its ability to overpower reason.. We are all in awe in its capability to accept all things non-conventional.. And in all of us lies the root to give it away unconditionally..

Then why?

Why do we always destroy what we love?

Why do we seem to falter in ways to pursue it?

Why do we give it up so easily thinking it’s better to leave it behind?

And why do we maintain a distance in its over whelming bliss?

Each individual is somewhat in search for it. Be it for the passion of sharing it or just drowning in the emotion solely for the purpose of having to feel it. Confusion looms when an entity is not convinced of the inevitable facet of its affectation. For some that refuses to feel, it becomes a barricade for growth. For some that is driven by it, it becomes crippling to the point of delusion. Bottom line, onerous and the same, the acknowledgment of it is equally devastating and overpowering.

When one begins to consider even the mere thought of it, he begins to evolve into something that he never think of possible. Changes,simple and small as it may seem, start to happen. Sometimes, it is so gradual that he doesn’t even know it is happening. He now become so accustomed to the new routine that seemed to flow day by day that he hardly recognize it changed to course of his daily activities. A bit of detour from that routine confuses his wits like he couldn’t shake off finding out what went wrong within the day.

Some are lucky enough to actually be on top of it. They can steer the wheel smoothly however the road may be. They are the ones who have threaded the path knowingly. They are the ones who truly know themselves and values it above anything else. Yes, they do feel pain. They do stumble from time to time. Personally, I take it that they’re humane enough to feel all onsets of emotions. But be that as it may, they know that whichever way they go, whatever they may choose, they would always have their own backs. It’s their full take of the chance, the knowingly chosen chance, that they will follow through whatever it takes. And they don’t mind the outcome, because knowing that they want it is their greatest value.

So, how does one begin to know when to draw the line between insanity and reality?

How does one figure out a way out of the labyrinth without losing their sense of individuality?

And how does one begin to realize what it’s worth is about?

On a personal note:

Yes, we were all once Disney babies.  We were so accustomed of “happily-ever-afters”. 

I, for one, was once a deluded critic. Until, I learned the true meaning of valuing one’s self.

Attachments have always been a messy section in my thought chamber. 

Bulletproof… It has always been easy to fake it - an act of survival.

But then again, I always go back to this… “Love yourself, selfishly and whole-heartedly. At the end of the day, it is just you who you face in the mirror.  Be the reflection of who you want to be, and know how to communicate with your shadow. You’re the only one who has your back when you lay yourself to sleep.”

How can i say goodbye when for the first time i really wanted to try?  

How can i take my heart back when it was never really handed over?  

How can i not fall when I’m already underground?  

How can I be excited to leave when I don’t know you’ll be here for my return?  

After all this time, we are still in limbo.  I’ve come to a point that I just wanted to take it as it is.  You never really left, but in all its essence, you were never there either.          

And I remained in a standstill, waiting… yearning. What else can I do when it’s the entirety of my soul that longs for you?

For every single time you appeared, I was in dire need.

For every single time I just wanted you on a whim, you weren’t there.

Every single timing is right, yet it never felt enough.

My own insatiability kills me every single time I see you.

Yet, every chance we get, we take it too.

I’ve always known you’ll be a very big part of me yet I’m so damn scared that it could be real because with that, the loss would also be real. 

Honestly, I don’t know if I can take any of that anymore.

I’ve lost more than enough already at this early stage. One more will dust me to bits.  The pain? I’m quite used to it. It’s the happiness that scares me more.

It frightens me twice over the fact I can be just like this. Alone. Just me. No one else.

Remember our push and pull? 

I call, you decline. You call, I’m busy.

Yet, when the necessity is evident we were always together, arm in arm.

“it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time” – it fucking does!!!!

Words.

You said you’ll always be there.

You said you’ll never be too far.

You said you’ll never abandon me.

You said you’ll take care of me.

You even said once that you do love me.

All that shit, at a distance too hard to reach.

Is it just my incapacity to feel that I cannot really grasp the reality of it?

Or am I right in thinking you just said that because you thought it was what I wanted to hear?

Sincerity? Yes, its there.  You’ve always been sincere.  Damn right you are, your eyes tells it more than your mouth.  Yet your gestures keep me at bay.

It seems you’re also too scared of what we could have, of what could be us, of what could happen…

I wanted very much to say, “let’s just be scared together”… but in all honesty, I also can’t.

Because I don’t know if I could see it through.

Because I don’t know if I’ll be enough for both of us.

I know I am for myself, but for you? I guess, I’ll never really know.

i miss you bes…

“Sometimes, we can’t just wait for promises to be done. If waiting is like being strangulated, cut the string. Don’t think twice!”  

or so you say….

Sleep is an escape, when reality is too much to take…

but then again, i tend to wake up over and over again into a nightmare…

Memory - my curse

It haunts…

it stings…

it messes with the present…

and sometimes your soul seems to capitulate entirely into the abyss….

There are days in which you tell yourself, you’ve had enough.

You snap back into how you want to be seen. 

The world seemed to appreciate. 

To them it seems to be effortless and blissful to be going through so much yet functioning “normally”, “effectively”, “productively”, and “empathically”…

Nobody sees how you cry yourself to sleep…

broken…

tired…

unstable…

messed-up….

Dreams - a normative perception… a visual representation of the id’s delusions… (usually)

However, to you that’s not always the case…

Calling it a “nightmare” is evidently an understatement already…

Yet every single night, there’s that plane in which you travel in which you are lost.

You wander around and surprisingly despair is still not there. Well, at least not yet.

It is the serenity of aloneness that provided a place to rest.

Only, it doesn’t exist in their reality.

And yes, you are so damn scared of that feeling that you just want to remain there, leave them all behind…

-          every single hurt, every single broken promise, every single lost hope, every single heavy string attached and knitted…

“LET IT GO”

For the nth time upon waking up, you face yourself in the mirror and tell this line to the one facing you…

You breathe in. You compose the face you ought to wear, get dressed, put some make-up on, and face the world again.

Once again, you have to portray that role and emit that aura that “everything is just fine”.

(Though it’s all fucked up - you just don’t have to tell anybody.)

Happiness - overrated.

It is a choice.

So how do you choose it when you don’t know what it is anymore?

Uhm…. Now, where were we?

aaaahhhhh

Cognition through Rationalization.

All excuses for SELF-DECEPTION.

Honestly, there are days you audaciously deceived yourself you are fine. 

Those days tend to be somewhat close to perfect.

Then the nightmares recur…

And guess what?

You have not been enveloped by your own lies.

All it takes is one pull of that trigger, and you are reminded again.

Truly, emotions are messy.

The Potter’s Clay

“ashes to ashes, dust to dust”

an overture…

lost: 

amidst the comfort of the enclosed room

everyone happens to be just a blurr

inside her shell, encapsulated

too thick for protection 

too subtle for intervention

masked: 

a little too goofy 

a little too coy 

a little too blunt 

a little to scant 

sanctuary: 

the cleaner the slate 

a lot more eager was her bait 

the harder she resisted 

a lot more careful was bliss

resolutions: 

the longer was her counter obedience 

that blinder seemed to envolope her 

to focus on the path that has been laid 

detours for franchise must be escaped

the plot…

The clay has been handed over

in her hands it remains to flounder…

to mold it into the beauty she once perceived

if only it could keep still…

time stopped for her decision making process

choices to make, definition of what’s at stake

“wants versus needs” - they are to be organized

meaning evey single word spoken

regardless of those efforts that had been mistaken

“what ifs” are bound for eradication

“because there is” providing the clause

there is no more competition, only pure expectations

there is no more criticism, only pure enhancements

the grass remains ever greener

the stalk still much heavier

she truly has gone full circle

the time is now to deliver

No, it is not going to be easy

neither will there be leniency

Reality check: 

Where do you want to go? 

Who do you want to be? 

What do you want to see? 

How will you maintain control? 

Why would you succumb to that role?

Each and every day she will strive to answer those questions…

From time to time she will falter…

She was given the clay to play as a potter…

Yet she knows as of now, she remains to be the batter..

Until when? she doesn’t know…

for what? she cannot follow…

All she knows is that she will bow down again

to serve, to follow, and to eventually be one of their leaders.

poreberpikon:

And you actually gave so much effort…

this blog!

During the week when every single news, including my corporate email is being flooded by updates regarding the storm “Butchoy” that was about to hit the country, I was priveleged enough to receive an invitation to watch the launch of PHL 360.  So to hell with busy schedules, rain or shine, I knew I am about to be hit by an even bigger storm. 

On the 16th of June, I was indeed blown by a hurricane that hit the country - the launch of PHL 360 held at The Filipinas Heritage Library.  While having an AvPD attack on the first few minutes of the event, I summed up all the courage left in me and watched numerous unfamiliar faces greet each other.  Small talks, introductions, and a few minutes of catching up with friends eased out the anxiety and made me last through out the night.  Being just on the dot for the call time which is 1830 hours, I was able to witness a merging of different personas glued together by one passion - the love of traveling.

From a simple idea of bringing together a travel show that would be exempted from commonality, the birth of PHL360 commenced.  Stress levels rose up for last minute details but on the final 15 minutes in which the first episode was shown, everyone was glued to the screen. The crowd became as one and cheers erupted screaming for “MORE” when the credits finally flooded the screen.

As for me, all I can say is this:  “This is not just a job well done.  It is beyond amazing.”

Congratulations to the cast and crew. Cheers to the beautiful minds that made this possible. 

God Bless guys! 

Catch the travelers at play and relive their experience at www.phl360.com.

PS:  I pray and hope this is just “season 1”.  I will definitely look forward to each episode and will await further details on the next series of webisodes.

Why?

The question that has been so often and openly asked by the self.  Suffering from insomnia for the past 10 days did not help at all.  In days that have been so free of stress, the pouring of the concerns has passed, yet the remnants of confusion looms.  So the moment that a statement is read, in which everyone is avoiding to do what is a so-called “mistake” eventually makes one be brought into a state of wondering…

In the eternal concept of chances and choices, which one has betrayed humanity the most?  More often than not, they create that delusion and projection that something or someone else causes their misery.  It is often believed to be a by-product of a deed by an entity other than the self.  The frailty of human emotion and the constant changes of whims confuse the mind.  It is thereby protected by a thought of self-preservation.  Wounds, however bad they may bleed, eventually heals.  That scar left is a constant reminder, yet most of the details why it was there is more often lost in the abyss.  Selective amnesia sinks in.  

A facade played for so long, how does she hold it in?  The audacity to play such a game of hide and seek…it is like a child’s play of pin the tail on the pony.  One often miss, yet amongst the crowd, one is bound to hit the target to the core.  But what brings about the fear of making a mistake?  The cautionary measures one grew up with, probably.  The constant reprimand that one has to be perfect when in reality, no one really bothers to acknowledge the right but forever remembers the mistake.  It is not the fear of a mistake that hinders the youth, it is the aftermath of it.  The reminder that will keep them forever in the wrong.  But who created the concept of right and wrong in the first place? And whatever do you mean by being disgraced? To whom, by whom, and by what?

Why?

Why is everybody in the constant struggle of righteousness when the concept of it is so misconstrued? Why is everybody in the search for what brings them happiness when they don’t even have the slightest idea of what keeps them at peace?  Why is everyone playing a game of dice when they so abhor the chances of getting the least?  Why is everyone so upset by being prejudiced when they themselves have set forth in a journey to be judged?  And why does everyone think they have a say on how their kin live their lives instead of letting them decide for themselves?  Why does it matter? 

And why am i asking these absurd questions at all? - Hello therapy!!! :)

Lies…. who can ever escape them?  who isn’t guilty of it?

Broken promises… who has not been subjected to it?  who has not been broken by it?

Lust… who was able ever to resist it? who isn’t affected by it?

Distrust… who was never doubtful? who has not been doubted?

Misconceptions, preempted delusions, foolish fantasies… the leading on, the abrupt betrayal, and the fleeting affectation…

You cursed the time that you have believed such a lie.  You cursed yourself for being sly.  You cursed yourself because you cannot apportion blame.  You cursed yourself because it is futile to explain.  Yet, here you are shouting out.  Here you are, shutting everyone out.  Just because you have been hit.  Just because of one single deceit.

As lightning strike another land, as the thunder is heard again in the crowd… Before the rain pours again, you smile.  So it all comes back to square one.  Overcome it or be defeated by it.  Master it, or be mastered by it.  It is as it was, you’ve dealt with it for so long, you have been quite resolute of your choice from end to end.  The conclusion is nearing.  The story is about to end.  Sit tight, they’ll need you still when it all ends.

Collateral damage, as always.

jimparedes:

12 Symptoms of a Spiritual Awakening

1. An increased tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.

2. Frequent attacks of smiling.

3. Feelings of being connected with others and nature.

4. Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.

5. A tendency to think and act…

An imprinted concept visualized as real

In a vision that was perceptibly surreal

limitations of a single mind involving another

there is bound to be a conflict of desire

in a stubborn sense of relationship

in a tunnel vision of complacency

emotions are confused as to what it is

allocations are scarce to formulate bliss

waiting in line for another chance

blinded by the notions of his glance

therefore abandoning the impression of reciprocity

limiting the chances in proving genuinity

“please don’t give up”, he says

“i haven’t even started yet”, she says

what’s to give up if there nothing to hold on to

what’s to be sorry for if what you feel is true

humans love conflict as much as they complain about it

they cannot live within the premise of their grip

that’s the commonality she abhors

and that’s what evened the scores

tomorrow will unfold what she envisioned

yesterday is a past that delivered

here is the moment she lives

now is the time for which she believes

Trumpets blared from a distance…

Echoes of commands are heard on the other side…

There are two troops preparing for battle.  She was in the middle of nowhere but she knows she’s in between an improbable war about to wage.  Lost and scared to be caught in between, she tries to find shelter.  She tried to mumble a silent prayer when suddenly the first cannon fire was heard.  The ground trembled.  Scared to death as she is, she cried out a curse. “Don’t these people know its the holy week! Can’t they even pause to contemplate! Damn it!”  

The war started.  The sky blackened with smoke, the wind carried out the cries of battle.  She’s alone in that forest, surrounded by trees and who-knows-what.  She searched for her mobile phone as she carries it always with her.  When she was able to locate which pocket she placed it in, she was surprised to see that no one has looked for her, and even more surprised to realize she doesn’t have contacts.  More than the terror of the war waging just a few yards away, she suddenly had the notion to think back.  

“Under the shades of this sturdy tree, I am safe for at least a few more minutes.  Now, think! How did I get here? What was the last thing I am aware of doing? All I know is that minutes before I was about to fall asleep due to exhaustion.  I have deadlines to meet, what the hell am I doing here? But first things first, my mobile phone seems to be no good.  No contacts, no mesages to go back to.  What to do, what to do??? THINK!!!!”

Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by distant steps.  Someone’s hurt.  She can tell by the muffled cry.  She looked right and left and was able to spot a trace of blood in the bush just two trees away from where she was.  Even in this state of questioned survival, the oath of medical profession still got the best of her.  “I’ll be damned.  Someone needs help.”  She creeped from the right side where the back of the injured soldier was evident.  She touched his right shoulder to announce her presence.  The soldier was about to shout when their eyes met and had the ultimate surprise of the moment.  And the funny thing is, she can hear his thoughts.  

Soldier:  ”WTF! Its you again.”

Girl:  ”Will I ever get away from you.”

Soldier:  ”You’re not supposed to be here, you’ll get yourself killed.”

Girl:  ”Coming from you in that state, I think I still have more time than you do.  Now shut up and let me try to fix this.”

Soldier:  ”I can handle this.  Right now, let’s get you to safety.”

Girl:  ”Like that’ll happen, look at the state of you.  You really think I can believe you’ll get me to safety when its clear before you saw me you succumb to death already.  There, that should stop the bleeding for now.”

Soldier:  ”You stubborn bitch! You never really believe in anybody’s sincerity.  Thanks for the torniquet. Now can we get you to safety?  It wouldn’t hurt if you just let me do this for us, will it?

Girl:  ”Fine.  Can you walk?”

Soldier:  ”Walk? Its my arm that’s hurt, not my feet. Just do me a favor, don’t you ever give up please.”

Dumbfounded by the last line, she realized that the silence in the surrounding is defeaning.  

There are no signs that there ever was a war.

Looking up, she’s not in a forest.  She’s not in an unfamiliar field.  She’s right in the heart of the metro, an abandoned high way with tall buildings.  The soldier is not a soldier, but the familiar face that she intends to forget.  

A coming car is honking wildly.  She’s glued to where she stand.  She can’t move.  She’s about to be hit.  She just said, “not again”. 

THEN SHE WOKE UP DRENCHED IN SWEAT.

1. Honor your father and your mother…

—- somewhat biblical, but my child let me redefine it for you… you honor us by living to the fullest of your life, maximizing your abilities and using them for your own good. Trust your judgment always, and let it always be in the manner that you will not hurt anybody else. If you are to burn because of your iniquities, put out your own fire.  Never live in a manner that others are dictating, but live in such that you are exalting the goodness of your being.  And never rely on others to put the fire out for you.  By being you, you honor us. By living true, you honor us.  By being the greatest you can be, you honor us.

2.  Don’t make the same mistakes I did.

—- We haven’t explored it all.  But please don’t repeat what we’ve done wrong.  There are plenty more, create your own and learn from your experiences as well.  Learn from ours but don’t let it cripple you into rigidly living by the book.  Create paths, tread on new worlds.. travel far and beyond, by then you’ll know, we cannot teach you everything.  Let the world be your greatest school.  Trust in the foundation we have instilled in you, the decisions are yours to make and its consequences are yours to take.  Trust in your heart, and let your soul soar.

3.  Love yourself selfishly and whole-heartedly.

—-  There may come a time that our love extended to you may not be enough.  Always remember, no one will ever love you more than you can love yourself.  The importance you bestowed on your being will always be that piece that will glue you together forever.  Once in a while, circumstances might shatter you.  Have that special place in your heart that will remind you how you have stayed whole all these years.  That will help you put the pieces back together.  At times, you may feel alone, but remember, it is better to be alone once in every while in order to understand yourself.  Friends will always be there, but it is better when you understand yourself.  Loving yourself selfishly doesn’t necessarily mean creating a prison to shut the world out, it only means having enough love inside of you when the world has turned its back on you.

4.   Learn from the past and prepare for the future, but NEVER forget to live in each TODAY.

—- Lessons from the past are carried out in order to understand the way of today.  Those are to equip you to face every today with wisdom more than just the knowledge of how to get through it.  Preparation for the future is the fact that what you do in every today affects it.  So never lose sight of what is here and now, but do not indulge too much on how it will affect tomorrow to keep you from having fun.  One thing to note, just always keep in mind that you are to carry it out thoroughly even on your own.

5.  Always choose the lesser evil.

—-  When you encounter a scenario in which you feel there is no way out to effect a hurtful consequence unto yourself and to others, always choose the better longer-term outcome.  Don’t do shortcuts.  An easy way out is not always good.  Remember that shortcuts leads to filthy results, and it will haunt your every tomorrow.  Might as well deal with it upfront, with integrity and honesty.  Do not add insult to injury.  Inevitably, it will all fall into place.

6.  Celebrate being a part of a family.

—-  Whenever you feel alone, contemplate on what you feel and call home.  You are a part of a family, you are part of a sacred congregation of people who live in your heart that will always make you feel at home.  Celebrate each friendship, each relationship, and never allow it to wither.  There are always two ends to a rope, when you feel like it is loosing its intensity, give it a little tug once it a while.  It always feel great to be connected to other people.  Whether with blood relation or none, you will always belong.

7.  Don’t just do your best, get it done.

—- In everything that you choose to involve yourself into, never make that excuse of “i did my best but…” Your best will only count if you get it done.  When you get things done, you will have a sense of accomplishment.  But in everything you do, make sure you do it 100%, never half-heartedly and GET IT DONE.  Never leave things hanging, and we don’t mean that figuratively.  Apply it in all occasions, in all relations, and in all your work.  You’ll never be sorry by doing so.

8.  Speak your mind, rationally and objectively, and Listen more.

—- When you have to say something, be sensitive enough to the occasion.  If it is needed, do it in a manner that will lead to the best results.  Criticisms are only helpful if done objectively.  If done with malice, you are only making things worst.  Remember, pointing out the wrong will not give the solution.  Rather, objectively create solutions while eradicating the unnecessary.  Telling will only be productive if there is a point of resolution.  Making others feel incompetent doesn’t make you competent.  Above all, remember you learn more when you listen more.

9.  Be gentle yet always be firm.

—-  It is a cliche to note that life is never fair.  And each person is fighting a different battle.  So do not assume that the world revolves around you, and people should be there with your every beck and call.  When dealing with others, always be gentle but do it in a way which you do not forget your own worth.  When you have to say no, be firm.  When you are to agree, be sincere.  Walk the way you talk, and talk the way you walk.  Live according to what you believe, and never ever forget that.

10.  Don’t hurry, no one gets out of this life alive.

—- My dear child, we all go through phases in life.  We were toddlers, teenagers, and young adults once… Please do not hurry life to get to a certain stage.  Savor the moment of your youth.  You are at a stage in which you have to learn how it is to be young in order to realize what to do with the young when you get old.  Do not rush into getting older just to cut the curfews and telling of parents.  Freedom has its price.  You may not know it yet, but there will come a time that you are free to do everything that you want to yet responsibilities will be abundant too.  Your restrictions are for your own good.  You have restrictions as you are free of the adult responsibilities.  Once the turn of the table reaches you, we are all in the hope that you will be responsible individuals too.  Do not wish for the time to turn its hands faster, none of us will get out of this alive.  So live in your today, and be happy. :)

As this may seem too early to have been written as I have no child of my own yet, let this be known to each kid who in every sense is already my child.  I love you now, and always will.  Be your own greatest hero, and defeat your alter ego as you are your own greatest enemy.  No one is in the capacity to stand in your way, unless you choose them to be your hindrance.  Always take that leap of faith.  God will be with you when we, your parents, are no longer around.  Listen to the voice of reason in your heart. May God bless you and always be a blessing to everyone else.

I wrote this now before I get senile.  One of these days, I’ll be like grandma… please be patient with me too.  Before I forget what to say, before I start to lose my rationality… pay attention to what is here.  These are my notations to guide you with your free will. :)